Bethel Crematorium Proposal Opposed by Local Undead

A horde of stumbling, confused and clearly angry area zombies gathered today outside of the Bethel Municipal Center to protest a possible crematorium business coming to Clarke Park.

The group, calling itself B.R.A.I.N.S. (Bethel Residents Against INSineration) was generally calm but largely incoherent, groaning and flailing their arms as they walked blindly into parked cars and lamp posts, at one point chasing awkwardly after a passing postal worker.

Speaking with The Bacon, the group's leader spelled out its concerns. "We, the undead of Bethel, believe that a crematorium is not in our best interests. Had a crematorium been here when we, ourselves, were newly dead, there's no way we could be here today. Are we not entitled to our rights and a choice?"

"Brains!" He added. "Braaaaaaiiiins!"

Area science fiction nerd and zombie expert Lowell Martin disagrees. "The canon of zombie literature - everything from "The Walking Dead" to "Champion of the Worms" - is completely clear on this being a non-issue. The primary mission of zombies is to eat the brains of the living, thereby converting the victims into zombies themselves.  That's how they grow their numbers. The individual zombie is irrelevant. It's all about the collective horde.  Period. For crying out loud, I wish these zombies would just pick up a book once in a while."