Area Family Excited About Medical Marijuana Dispensary

While last week's news about a medical marijuana dispensary opening in Bethel was met with mixed reaction, one local family is looking forward to welcoming the new business with open arms.

"We've been waiting our entire adult lives to try a marijuana and now it looks like we're finally going to get our chance!" says an ecstatic Alan and Ellen Conyers, 51. 

As a result, the Conyers are on a mission to obtain a legal prescription by contracting terminal cancer before the shop opens later this year - chain smoking unfiltered cigarettes, gargling with mercury, inhaling asbestos fibers and even eating charcoal-grilled steak.  In hopes of developing a bonus melanoma, they coat themselves in baby oil and spend the bulk of each day soaking in the sun's rays.

"Sometimes I even open my eyes and stare directly at the sun," added Mrs. Conyers with a sly wink, "because, hey, if I can't get the cancer then glaucoma works too, am I right?"

Mr. Conyers dismisses the notion that their actions are extreme. "There's really no other way to get rare marijuana in this area - it's not like you could just easily find it by asking around."

"Yeah, um... right dad." agrees Conyers' 17 year old son Damon, nodding vigorously.

The couple is fully aware that they could get on a plane and fly to either Colorado or Washington to obtain as much high grade, legal, recreational marijuana as they could possibly consume, "but we're really not much for traveling," they admit.