Take a Journey to a Slightly Stale Curly Fry Circa 1986!

WARNING: This column has NOTHING to do with trains. Therefore, TAKE with plenty of alcohol, Journey and 80s hair bands. AVOID prolonged exposure to children and the Jersey Shore.

As we head into the summer vacation season, it seems to me the perfect time to deviate from my adventures on the train and offer up a few travel tips to keep your vacations fun and relaxing. Leave the kids at home with your mother-in-law!  Just kidding!  All kidding aside, if you’re planning on taking the family on a fun-filled vacation somewhere close, say, for instance, the Jersey Shore, here are some travel tips that will keep your vacation as fatality-free as possible:

TIP #1: Take a babysitter with you!  You may feel you have already paid your babysitter enough money to cover her FIRST YEAR OF COLLEGE, however I urge you to consider what the word “vacation” actually means – (a) a period of time devoted to rest, travel or recreation, (b) a scheduled period during which the activities of courts, schools, or other regular businesses are suspended, or (c) an act or instance of vacating something.  In this case, (c) is the best fit because money will be vacating your wallet and bank account.  So, what’s a little more at that point?  Think of it as your part in stimulating the economy and raising your own Debt Ceiling.  Besides, your babysitter is likely to go to one of those FOUR year colleges.

It’s a win-win situation for everyone.  You and your spouse get a relaxing vacation with your kids (REPEAT: a relaxing vacation with the kids.)  (Ha!) AND the ability to go out at night and have fun like you did BEFORE you had kids.  (Ha! Ha!) Your babysitter gets an all-expense paid trip to a 2 and ½ star hotel, her own room next to the ice machine and plenty of time to work on her tan while updating her Facebook status from the beach. (OMG!) Lastly, your kids get a free pass to consume ungodly amounts of ice cream and sugar, visit every arcade on the boardwalk, and in general, run around shrieking like little animals with sugar highs that would make Amy Weinhouse, in comparison, appear lucid and put-together. (Yippy kai yay!)

TIP #2:  Treat the whole gang to mini-golf!  Nothing brings the family together like mini-golf.  You’re sure to enjoy some Quality Time…for approximately 4 minutes and 28 seconds until, inevitably, your kids start wielding the golf clubs like weapons, thereby causing blunt force trauma to all objects around them: the lighthouse on Hole 5; each other; the babysitter.  This is your signal to call it a day. (Be sure to give the babysitter something extra for that bruise on her leg.)

TIP #3:  Head to a restaurant for dinner!  The noisier the better!  More noise equates to less of a chance you’ll hear your kids whining and moaning, or the clanking of their knife and fork on the table as their cute little voices chant, “CUR-LY FRIES!”  “CUR-LY FRIES!”  When this occurs, proceed directly to TIP #4.

TIP #4:  It’s always Happy Hour on vacation!  Sit back with your beverage of choice and chill. Be sure to alert the babysitter, who’s on the lookout for Snookie and The Situation, that the table is tipping over.  Also, put her in charge of not letting the kids stab the waitress with their utensils.  (Be sure to give the babysitter something extra for the catsup your son got all over her new Abercrombie shirt)

TIP #5:  It’s sure to be Karaoke Night somewhere!  Have the babysitter put the kids to bed and then stroll hand in hand down the boardwalk, watching the sunset.  Then, listen for the unmistakable sounds of some drunken fool trying to sing Bon Jovi’s “Dead or Alive” and you’ve arrived at Karaoke Night - just in the nick of time by the sounds of it!  Don’t be intimidated by the thousands of song titles and artists – just grab the microphone and use this SPECIAL BONUS TIP: you can never, ever, ever, go wrong with Journey.  So, shine on, you Karaoke Star!  Any Way You Want It!  You know The Girl Can’t Help It.  So, Send Her My Love and Be Good To Yourself!  Because, when the Lights go down and we go our Separate Ways, Don’t Stop Believing!  Faithfully. 

For more tips on how you can become a Karaoke Super Star, or to share your travel tips, write to:  Journey Rocks!, P.O. Box 834, Bethel, CT  06801.