Calling All Carnies: The Metro North Carnival is in Town

Hurry, hurry, hurry!  Step right up, folks!!  Witness amazing feats of sheer stupidity!  Peculiar people!  Odd behavior!  Strange, bizarre and 100% true!  Just beyond these velvet curtains is the Amazing Metro North Traveling Side Show…the Greatest Show on the Rails.  Smells like cabbage to me!  (Cue: evil laugh)

Ladies and Gentlemen:  Our first exhibit:  It’s a toilet!  It’s a man!  Wait!  It’s Toilet Man!  Coming to us straight out of the train restroom on the Harlem Line, this freak of nature got his arm stuck and as a result his face way too close to the worst place on Earth: a Metro North toilet.  After dropping his cell phone in the toilet, he immediately lunged after it but got stuck elbow deep in what has to qualify as one of Dante’s levels of hell.  Unfortunately, he had to stay in this awkward and most embarrassing position for several hours until officials were able to rip the toilet from the wall using the jaws of life and saw the toilet in half, finally freeing his arm.  The kicker?  The phone was never found! (Cue: more evil laughing followed by coughing)

Now, onto our next exhibit!   Shhhhh! Quiet, everyone.  (whispering)  It’s The Daily Dozer!  Witness a man get on the train at Bethel – he’s well dressed, well groomed and very pleasant.  Indeed, all appears quite normal until we get to Wilton, for as soon as the train crosses the Wilton Town Line, this man suddenly, magically, falls into a deep sleep - right before your very eyes!  Many have witnessed this peculiar affliction first-hand.  Let’s observe him now!  He’s engaged in a delightful conversation with someone…keep watching…THERE!  In mid-sentence!  See how his eyes automatically close and he falls completely limp, as if he’s hypnotized?  Snoring like a baby!  Now, let me tell you, this condition was completely understandable when Wilton was a dry town.  However, it’s most peculiar now that the Prohibition is over and alcohol flows freely in Wilton, making it slightly more appealing, along the lines of spending an entire day with your mother-in-law and her three cats. 

Now, this way, ladies and gents, to our next exhibit!  The Choo Choo Man!  Here is a man in his mid sixties, scruffy, grimy.  Budweiser in hand.  Nascar baseball hat on his head.  Sitting next to him on a crowded train is his young granddaughter who giggles and claps her hands every time the whistle sounds.  Listen as the he…wait for it…wait for it… screams at the top of his lungs, “CHOOO CHOOO!!”   “CHOOO CHOOO!!”  complete with whistle-pulling arm motion!  To his granddaughter’s delight, this bizarre man continues to scream non-stop for 30 minutes!!  What’s that, ma’am?  I can’t hear you!  Ahhh yes, it is time to move on!

And for our last and final oddity…an old-time train carny known far and wide across the Danbury Line.  Observe this little old Italian man, standing a mere 4’8”, with a red face and a large bulbous nose, hiccuping and mumbling to himself.  It’s The Little Drunk Man and he’s trying to make his way through a packed, standing room only train to the restroom.  An alert commuter, noticing The Little Drunk Man can’t walk in a straight line and smells like a skunk, pleads for people to get out of the way.  Listen as she shouts, “For God’s sake, GET OUT OF THE WAY!”  “There’s NO TIME!” and “He’s going to throw up!!” to no avail.  Watch as The Little Drunk Man burps, gets frustrated and throws his hands in the air giving up his pursuits.  He stumbles into the first available seat he sees and causes a woman sitting across the aisle to nearly trip as she runs for her life! 

Freakishly addicting, isn’t it folks!!  Can’t look away, eh?

Ladies and gents, many of you came here today thinking the carnies were the freaks but as we now see, freaks abound in the non-carny population as well.  Drawn to public transportation like moths to a light, I’m confident we’ll continue to see strange and bizarre scenes like the ones you’ve experienced today, for many more years to come. 

Seems like carnies aren't the only ones with small hands that smell of cabbage, after all. (Cue:  more evil laughing followed by more evil coughing) 

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If you have any strange or bizarre train stories or if you like carnies and/or the smell of cabbage, email me right away at: Taradiane17@yahoo.com or write to:  Carnies are cool, PO. Box 834, Bethel, CT  06801.