The Bestest Thanksgiving Turkey Recipe, EVER

What You'll Need

The Non-edible Stuff
--Small pan/bowl/ramekin for holding/melting butter mixture
--Basting brush
--Roasting pan with rack
--Oven mitt or hot pan holders
--Coffee, Pepsi, or some other caffeine-delivery system (optional)
--Determination/strength of heart/laser-like focus/fearlessness

The Edible Stuff
1.  Turkey, FRESH not frozen, preferably organic and not mass-produced from a mainline corporate "turkey mill" and laden/impregnated with growth chemicals, hormones, and general nastiness

2.  White onion, large

3.  Rosemary, fresh sprigs, **full clam shell (if you buy this in a plastic clam shell, as is the norm)

4.  Oregano, fresh sprigs, **1/3 clam shell

5.  Thyme, fresh sprigs, **1/2 clam shell

6.  Green bell pepper, **large

7.  Garlic, fresh, **one full bulb

8.  Butter, organic, unsalted, **2 full sticks

9.  Utica-style Red Pepper flakes **1 teaspoon

10. Granulated garlic **to taste

11.  Salt/black pepper **to taste

12.  Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Basting Mix

These are the ingredients you'll put together in melted butter to baste the bird with every 20 minutes as it cooks.
*Butter
*Salt
*Black pepper
*Granulated garlic
*Utica red pepper flakes
*Small pour of olive oil

The Method

Luckily, cooking the perfect and most amazingest Thanksgiving Turkey is not rocket science. But it will require your attention and care.

1.  Pre-heat oven to 475 - 500 degrees

2.  Create your basting concoction by putting two sticks of butter, salt, black pepper, granulated garlic, some Utica-style red pepper flakes, and a dash of olive oil into a small pan on your stove top and melting it slowly, so as not to burn.

3.  Unwrap that bird and remove the inner neck/offal pieces inside. (I use these in the construction of my gravy, but if you don't, just toss them away)

4.  Dry the bird with a clean lint-free kitchen towel or paper towels. You're not looking for arid dry, but you want it clammy to the touch without leaving a juicy residue on your hands. Be sure to get into the cavity of the bird and sop up any moisture there.

5.  Spray the bird with your choice of canola or olive oil spray, and season with salt and black pepper. The spray helps the seasonings to adhere to raw bird.

6.  Stuff the bird with that fresh rosemary, thyme, and oregano sprigs, garlic bulb (peeled and smashed into individual cloves), white onion (peeled and rough cut into quarters), and green bell pepper (cut into quarters). NOTE: Use 60% rosemary, 25% thyme, and 15% oregano.

7.  Put bird onto your roasting pan with elevated rack, and place it into that  HOT oven, at 475 - 500 degrees, and let it initially cook for 20 minutes. Then drop the oven heat to 330 degrees, do your first liberal basting of the bird, and plan on basting it again and again at 20-minute intervals, until basting concoction is gone.

8.  Cooking Times: There are no hard, fast rules for cooking times on turkey, but, since you might be wondering, let me say that I do a 17-minutes per pound rule. Here is a chart I found that might suit you better than my advice - http://homecooking.about.com/library/archive/blturkey7.htm I basically temp my turkey out at 160 degrees, knowing it will hit 165 due to residual cooking when I remove it from heat.

9.  The Big Finish: Once turkey is done to your satisfaction, and you have removed it from heat, take it off the roasting rack and put it onto a waiting carving board so you can render an awesome gravy from the drippings in that roasting pan. Let the bird rest for about 10 minutes, allowing for the juices within to draw back into the meat. (If you cut it too early, it will literally leak out water/juices, creating a huge and unnecessary mess, and dry out like a sponge on a July sidewalk. And no one wants that.)

10.  Carving Tips: Cut straight, and cut with purpose. If you falter, or are timid in your cuts, you will mangle the bird and make it look like a botched surgical experiment. Here's a link to how to carve a turkey properly: http://youtu.be/RdNhA38rwnY However, don't be afraid to do it as your natural instinct dictates. It's a bird. You have a knife. Just follow your gut, so to speak.

Happy Thanksgiving 2013, one and all!