Extreme Moms: Free Range vs. Tiger Mom

From the time mom figures out she’s pregnant, she suddenly has decisions to make.  Countless decisions: Obstetrician or midwife? Natural birth or epidural? Breast milk or formula?  Cloth or disposable diapers? Which Preschool?  Home school?  Public school?  Private school? Piano lessons?  Hockey?  Allowance?  Cell phone? 

I could go on, but you get the picture. 

In honor of Mother’s Day, I present two moms who made very different decisions about how to raise their kids. Free Range mom Lenore Skenazy, otherwise known as the America’s Worst Mom; and Tiger Mom Amy Chua, who may be in the running to claim that title.

Free Range Kids: How to Raise Safe, Self-reliant Children (Without Going Nuts with Worry)
Publisher: Jossey-Bass; 1 edition (April 19, 2010)
Paperback: 256 pages
ISBN-13: 978-0470574751

You may remember Lenore Skenazy as the mom who let her then 9-year-old son ride the subway home by himself.  e made it without incident, but many of Skenazy’s friends were shocked. He could have been kidnapped or molested! He could have gotten lost!  Her son’s subway ride received national attention after she blogged about the incident and the reaction of other mothers, earning her the dubious title of America’s Worst Mom. 

In "Free Range Kids," her very entertaining book about serious topics, Skenazy examines how childhood has changed in America. Children walked to school. After school, they wandered around the neighborhood until dinner time without checking in on their cell phones every 30 minutes.  I personally remember my mom, in the late 70s and early 80s, leaving me in the car (not when it was hot) while she went grocery shopping. She also left me and my brother in the play area at the mall while she went into a nearby store. No one raised an eyebrow back then.  f she did that now, it is likely someone would call the police.  And everyone would applaud that person for doing what was right.

What changed? Many people believe the world has become more dangerous. There are more kidnappings, more pedophiles, etc. Actually, Skenazy cites statistics showing crime is down. Instead, she says, it is us who have changed. We now have 24/7 news showing every kidnapping case throughout the world. We live in areas where there are no sidewalks. So even if we wanted to let our kids out of our sights, we can’t because the roads are too dangerous for pedestrians. 

Skenazy argues that overprotecting our children is undermining their confidence. In order to raise an independent adult, we need to let our children make mistakes and explore the world without constant supervision. She advises parents to teach children what to do if they do become lost, or approached by a stranger. Make sure they wear their bike helmets, buckle their seatbelts, and wear proper sport safety equipment. But once children are prepared, then let them out into the world to range free. 

My take:  OK, crime statistics are down. I know there are lots of reasons why. But maybe they went down partly because criminals have less opportunity to harm vulnerable, unaccompanied children? I don’t know. I definitely see Skenazy’s point that children can’t be wrapped in bubble wrap until we send them off to college. One of our jobs as parents is to prepare our kids to face the world independently. I think there’s a happy medium somewhere. 

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother
Hardcover: 256 pages
Publisher: Penguin Press HC (January 11, 2011)
ISBN-13: 978-1594202841

To say that Amy Chua has a different approach to parenting than Skenazy is like saying my wedding was a bit different than Prince William’s. 

"Battle Hymn" is a memoir of a mom’s struggle to raise her kids. Chua’s methods may sound extreme, but she has a good sense of humor, and I have to admire her candor. So you can better understand where she is coming from, I am quoting the long subtitle on the cover:  “This is a story about a mother, two daughters, and two dogs. It was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a 13-year-old.”

Chua wouldn’t let her children attend sleepovers or go on playdates or act in the school play. Why? Amy Chua was raising her two daughters the “Chinese way.” To Chua, the Chinese way meant focusing on achievement. Her children had no time for sleepovers, playdates or acting because they were too busy practicing  Her oldest daughter played piano; her youngest, violin. They both had the best teachers, and they practiced even on vacations to Europe. Naturally, both her daughters were amazingly talented. Of course, they excelled in school as well. They spoke Mandarin. Amazingly accomplished. But at what cost?

In a nutshell, according to Chua, Western parents place way too much emphasis on the child’s desires. Let them quit an instrument? Let them change to a different one?  Absolutely out of the question. The Chinese parent knows best.  We are the adults after all. 

Your children will thank you later for forcing them to practice piano instead of playing baseball with his friends. Children don’t develop self-confidence by getting trophies for showing up at all the soccer games and praise for shoddy artwork on birthday cards (yes, she made her children redo handmade birthday cards they made for her). They develop self-confidence through developing skills and accomplishments. And skills need to be practiced.  If your child isn’t giving 110 percent to whatever you, the parent, say he must, then your child is dishonoring you. Chua admits she called her children names when they balked at practicing. She threatened them. Even she admits that some of what she did could be “legally actionable.” 

Having said that, this book is a memoir of a mom who is trying to do the best job she can to raise her kids. No one can question her dedication. She has some good points to make.  Why do we give trophies to everyone on the team? We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings? How will kids learn to try hard and succeed if they get rewarded just for showing up?  Why does everything have to be fun for kids all the time?  What about working hard?

My take: Don’t get too turned off by the harsh descriptions of what Amy Chua did to her children. "Battle Hymn" is a funny, readable book about a mom struggling to raise good kids.  In her struggle, she became too focused on academics and music, and fails to realize that playdates and sleepovers do at least as much to prepare children for college and the real world as learning an instrument and getting straight As. 

Happy Mother’s Day!