Teens React As Technology Effects Family Dynamics

Technology is a new kind of stress in many homes, and has resulted in a change in family dynamics, especially where teenagers and their parents are concerned, according to Charles Manos, MS, Ed.S., LMFT, marriage and family therapist, formerly of Bethel School District, now working in the public school system in Brookfield. 

“This is a new world,”  Manos said. “People used to go to work, but their lives revolved around their families.  Today, life revolves around work. There has never before been a time when there was no an end to the workday, and with technology, that is exactly what has happened.” 

 Manos feels that today’s parents feel as if they are under siege, and technology is not the only change families are faced with.  “People are bombarded by the media, they are over-extended at work, and there are a lot of demands on them.”

When teens get rebellious, or act out in disturbing ways, overwhelmed parents often turn to experts to solve their family problems. Moros said that many parents raising a teen now give up their authority to therapists and self-help books.  

 “You look at the amount of self help books out there, and there is a lot of conflicting information.  In medicine, if you have an illness, there is a treatment that almost any doctor would give you.  In mental health that is not the case.  Some parents call me after they read things and ask about the advice, but not all of what you read is based in science. It can be hard to have the full picture.” 

 In a Housatonic Valley Coalition Against Substance Abuse conference held at the Stony Hill Inn on April 4, Moros spoke to about 75 people, almost half were either parents or parents and professionals.  His discussion was geared to helping parents understand what teens want, and how they thrive best.  

 Moros said that if there were one thing parents could do that would help their children, “Put it under the umbrella of connection. Teens need more connection with their families, not less.”

 Moros said that one aspect of connection is compassionate parenting. “Have the laser beam focus beyond their behavior. Who is the kid and what are they trying to tell us?”

Having the ability to hear kids without overreacting, and not being quick to give them advice, helps teens respond positively, Moros said.  "Show them that we listen as much as we direct them, because we want to teach them to listen, too.”

 “Kids feel disconnected thinking adults don’t get them,” Moros said, and he added that when they act out, "If we are not managing it well, kids feel alienated."

 Moros said, “It’s very hard growing up with technology.  I have to force myself to go out and exercise because we are all communicating on the internet.  It is the same thing for kids. They are on the internet because that’s how they interact with their peers.  But we have to discipline ourselves to exercise, and kids need to interact with their families.”  

 In his presentation, Moros also said that life is now faster, and there are fewer family rituals or strict boundaries; life today is changing so fast there is confusion in family relationships.  

 Downtown in Bethel on Monday afternoon, two teens sat in the grass and talked about their family relationships.  The girl, Sara Thatcher (name changed) said that she hates when she asks permission to do something and gets yelled at for asking.  She said that she has moments of feeling close to her family, but also said that the lack of family connection causes her to look to her friends for connection. 

 Her friend, Christopher Mirante, left Bethel High School to be home schooled last year.  Mirante said that he enjoys the time he spends learning with his grandmother and working in the afternoons with his father in garage door sales.  He believes that home schooling has enabled him to be closer to his family, “It’s good. I like it better.”

 Hilda DeLucia, director of the Bethel ProAccess Teen Center, said, “We spend a lot of time shuttling our teens back and forth, and we talk about their sports or other activities,  but we can also use that time to ask them how they feel about things.”  

 “Teens in high school are living in a very different, difficult time,” Sheila Levine, LMFT, LDAC, BHS substance abuse counselor, said.   “I think there is a lot of pressure, and living with technology today is a killer. The kids wish parents would listen.” 

This is Part One of a two part story.